This is only funny if you're a really sick person

I thought it was hilarious.

So another post title beginning with the word 'so'

Nothing much to report here. Spring break for Moira, Evie's spent the last two days puking at random intervals, and last night I was letting the dog out at almost midnight and was invited by my neighbors to come over and roast marshmallows in their chiminea--which I did.

Last time we were at the library Moira got J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan and Wendy (the book he wrote after the play). I opened it to take a look and, I am not kidding, this is the sentence I read--"After a time he fell asleep, and some unsteady fairies had to climb over him on their way home from an orgy." Again, not kidding.

Angelica Huston saying the word 'cheeseburger' sounds so absurd.

That's all.

So I'm catching up on the Sopranos

Season 5 and all is well until Tony Blundetto's girlfriend walks into the room and it's Gina from Sesame Street. !?! More than a little bizarre to see her doin' the do with Steve Buscemi and saying naughty words. It's a good thing Elmo doesn't have cable, but you know Oscar was watching it--can you say lech, kids?

Man, I wanted a freaked out picture of Oscar to add to this--you'd think they'd be everywhere. Nothing good. But finding this Kermit picture cheered me up.

Back to the land of the living

So we didn't starve and we didn't have to resort to dog food either. When they downgraded to a level 1 snow emergency we decided to shovel out the car and try the hill--no problems. I even went all altruistic and shoveled out our neighbors van and our shared parking lot area. Then I put salt down. Am I nice or what?

Okay, unnecessary gross story coming up. (Do people ever take my warnings and stop reading when I tell them something gross will be discussed? Or is it like reverse psychology, making it so you just can't not read it? Just wondering.) So all that shoveling gave me some blisters on my hand--nothing mammoth or disgusting though and they disappeared quickly. I was at the store a day or two after this and I was pushing the cart (like you do) and I felt something wet on my hand. Turns out one of those blisters wasn't completely done being blistery after all and it had burst--on the cart handle. This, children, is another example of why you should always wash your hands when coming home from the store. I felt like such a bio-hazard.

We just finished Ben's application to Oxford yesterday and I feel pretty good about it. Thank you, Sam, for reading the rough draft personal statement. I did berate Ben for sending a rough draft and he thought I was psychotic. But you can't send people rough stuff because they'll get all hung up on any typos and punctuation problems and not see the bigger picture issues. But Sam nobly persevered. I edited the hell out of his statement and two writing samples, and I am a cruel editor. You wouldn't guess it from this blog, but (when I want to ) I really do know how to form sentences and punctuate. But I tear things apart and spare no feelings in the process. Ben has a remarkably thick skin (probably from living with me) but once I edited my roommate's paper and almost made her cry. Never again did she ask for my help. Whatever. If you want to live with mediocrity, be my guest.

Cruel.

Ben gets to spend spring break writing his thesis. Yay!

And he got to spend a lot of time on the phone with AT&T recently. It would seem like a simple task--disconnect our phone and upgrade our internet to the next higher speed. But this means that they lose 30 bucks a month and have to try to persuade you not to cancel and instead try some other package. When you finally convince them that there is nothing they can do to change your mind and will they please just do what you're asking them to do, they send you over to another department where you get disconnected. Then you need to call back and explain it over again and when you FINALLY get everything set up, they lose your order and nothing changes a week later when it's supposed to. So then you call back and they say we have no record of this order and you have to set everything up again and get transferred and they lose the order you just made 5 minutes earlier and you need to make another one when you're transferred AGAIN and THEN a week later your internet goes out and doesn't come back on. And you're screwed because you're trying to send out an application to Oxford and you have to keep running back and forth to the library so you can get online.

Yeah, you probably stopped reading about 500 words ago--wise choice. Long story short--AT&T=bunch of idiots.

And just for the heck of it--I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (from the Vicar of Dibley)


Okay, okay--just one more and I'll stop. The traditional post-credits joke.

So Ben K. is pffting the snow

And I must admit I scoff at calling it a blizzard. Supposedly though this is the biggest one time snowfall on record in Columbus or whatever? I dunno. Maybe being shorter as a kid skewed my perception of snow depth, but I really think I've seen deeper snow around here. Maybe it was a cumulative thing then? Either way, we are wimps here in Columbus. I understand they have to budget all those snowplows and salt trucks and, based on our usual snowfall, we really don't need that many but it's still embarrassing what can paralyze this city.

I do wish I'd taken the warning more seriously though. We tend to do a lot of daily food shopping instead of stocking up and our cupboards are a liiiiiiitle bare at the moment. But this can inspire creativity that increases one's self-esteem. Yes, I AM a survivor!...at least when I have a couple boxes of pasta. But if this lasts much longer . . . Our main trouble in these apartments is the hill thing. There are two exits and both open onto hills that are nasty even in much lighter snows. People slide into the ditches and then people try to rescue them and slide into the ditches themselves. We've had some close calls in our lightweight car made of glorified foil and I'm really not eager to make an attempt. There is the walking option since Giant Eagle and Aldi are both on the corner, but I'm just thinking about reeeeeally wet and cold shoes and pants. Why don't we own any boots? And are stores open right now? Surely grocery stores are open...

I've enjoyed watching our neighbors shovel. I haven't gone out and shoveled because, hey, they're doin' it so why should I go out there. I'll just wait all warm and toasty until they're done and I see what's left for us to do. It's okay though, because for years I've shoveled for them and all the other neighbors. Why was I so energetic then? I'm also enjoying Stella and her doggy snow joy. I don't think it would ever occur to me to stick my face in snow, but she really enjoys it.

This is the view from our back door. There's a little table and a bike buried in there.

The view from the front window. That big blob is another car.

And finally my oh so Zen picture of a snowdrift.

If you don't hear from us soon, we've probably just starved to death. Although, we do have that really big bag of dog food . . .

A Netflix classic

"Vic (a young Don Johnson) roams a postapocalyptic wasteland accompanied by his telepathic, ever-grumbling dog, eventually winding up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society that wants his sperm. This low-budget cult film remains darkly humorous and unflinchingly brutal as its characters face difficult choices -- and the end of the world as they know it."

THE WHOLE WORLD IS COVERED WITH BUTTONS AND NOT ONE OF THEM IS MINE!

That's hands down the best line from Frog and Toad Are Friends. Thought you should know.

The disappointing results of yesterday's primaries are proof once again that most Americans are borderline retarded.

Went to vote yesterday and it was rainy and windy and I came back with hair that looked exactly like Sweeney Todd's.Minus the white streak, of course.

In the exercise news: Not much going on for the last month due to illness and busyness. Finally my pathetic knees started crying out for attention and I've started getting back in the habit. I've found, however, that the Calories Burned readout is really depressing and unmotivating. "Arg! I've worked out for 9 minutes and I've only burned the equivalent of a piece of toast! Screw this!" So I covered it up with one of the kid's Little Mermaid stickers and workouts have been much happier. I can now just focus on the fact that this is good for my knees and my heart and it incidentally burns some calories that may or may not result in me fitting into my jeans properly.

Watching a lot of BBC television lately and have realized how little I know about famous Brits. Missed about 98% of the celebrity jokes on Vicar of Dibley. I knew the Royals, Sean Bean, David Bowie, Kiley Minogue (although I didn't recognize her with her clothes on), Lulu, Richard and Judy and then . . . huh?

Had a dream about Diane Lane last night. She had these two fish that she was absolutely obsessed with saving. One was a white koi and the other was just a greyish boring old fish. She was continually in need of funds to do this fish saving so when Al Pacino (who was Egyptian and wore eyeliner) refused to give her the tax refund she was expecting she had sex with him to get it. What the what? Felt guilty afterwards that this was my dream and not Ben's because I'm sure he would have enjoyed seeing Diane Lane naked much more than I did. All for a couple of fish. But reflecting back on it, they were pretty cool fish because they were never in any water-- the whole time they were swimming through the air. But, really, Diane . . .

By the way, I think the Osmonds and their bizarre revival of popularity is also a sign of the coming apocalypse.